LANE WALLACE

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“How do I handle a slam like that?” she asked me.

 

The answer isn’t as simple as it might seem. Because as crazy as it might sound to someone on the outside, the one-line put-down is actually a staple bonding technique in male communication and culture. So while it’s possible the guy meant to insult her, it’s also possible he was treating her as an equal, and a fellow member of the club.

 

I first noticed this phenomenon during the years I spent hanging around air museums and warbird restoration shops, early in my aviation career. Every time a guy walked into the shop, someone would rib or slam him. And he’d be expected to rib or slam them back, in return. And then everyone would grin. But there are examples everywhere. In the movie “The Martian,” when Martinez, a male crewmember, first texts Mark Watney, the astronaut they left behind on Mars, Martinez doesn’t express concern. He says, “Dear Mark, apparently NASA’s letting us talk to you now, and I drew the short straw. Sorry we left you behind on Mars. But we just don’t like you.” The female mission commander, played by Jessica Chastain, looks horrified. But Mark Watney, the astronaut on Mars, laughs.

 

Most women would react like Chastain’s character, because we aren’t raised to communicate or bond like that. A couple of years ago, my husband Ed and I had a couple over for dinner. Like Ed, one of the women was retired military, so she was used to male-culture-dominant environments. Her partner was a nurse and massage therapist—both female-culture-dominant professions. The two military veterans were laughing together over Ed’s stories of Navy “Dining Outs”—formal dinner functions where raucous behavior, one-line put-downs, and other razzing were highlights of the evenings. The nurse rolled her eyes. “That,” she said, “would never happen at a woman’s social event.” Ed asked what would happen. The nurse thought for a moment, then laughed. “Well, I’m pretty sure it would be incredibly sincere and supportive. And there’d probably be lots of candles involved.”

 

There are whole books written on the differences between how men and women tend to communicate and bond. But the point is to rec-ognize that differences exist. We may use the same words to communicate. But that doesn’t mean we’re speaking the same language. And the same applies to anyone we work with who isn’t just like us. We all come from different eth-nic, regional, racial, gender, family, or person-al cultures. We’re all different. Some families joke and josh; some are more earnest. In some cultures, people never say what they’re thinking directly; in others (my college roommate’s immigrant Italian family comes to mind), they say everything they’re thinking directly, without taking offense at the sometimes combative interactions that can create. As a result, the same words and phrases, depending on who’s using them, can have very different meanings. And those meanings often get twisted, or lost, in translation.

 

So what do we do about that? The biggest thing we can do is to shift our focus from what people say to what they might mean; what message or information they’re trying to convey. The point of communication, after all, is conveying meaning. Words are just clumsy tools we use to try to achieve that end. So as a rule, we get in trouble if we focus too literally on anyone’s words.

 

We also get in trouble if we automatically interpret what we hear in light of what we would mean if we said that. The trick is figuring out what the other person might mean, in the context of their individual personality, style of communication,  culture, and traditions. (Anyone who’s spent time in the South, for example, knows that adding “Bless Her Heart” to a comment about someone doesn’t always mean what it sounds like, on the surface.)

 

We’ll never get completely fluent in anyone else’s language. But we can improve our translation skills if we make an effort to learn more about the communication styles and norms of others.  Pay attention to how individuals communicate with others from the same culture or background. If you don’t have opportunities to do that in real life, seek out movies and TV shows that showcase other cultural communication norms. I actually learned a lot about the role and appropriate usage of one-line put-downs and comebacks just by watching reruns of the classic old TV show “Cheers.”

 

But as you observe how others interact, if something seems weird or incomprehensible to you (like the subtle comments in Southern culture, the loud arguments at my roommate’s family dinners, or the raucous behavior at the Navy Dining Outs), ask someone you know who’s part of that culture for an explanation. When I asked my husband about the interaction between Watney and Martinez in “The Martian,” for example, he said, “Look. Watney knew they all felt bad at leaving him. That’s not helpful to convey. What he needed was a laugh. The sense of still being with them; one of them. That’s what Martinez did by slamming him.”

 

“But how do you know a guy means well when he’s ribbing or slamming you?” I asked. “There are men who are just jerks, even to other men.” “Absolutely,” he answered. “And you don’t always know, if you don’t have an established relationship with them and have that context and history to help you. But I generally start by assuming people mean well, and ribbing them back, until I have more data. Then I adjust if necessary, down the line.”

 

That’s probably good advice. But the bottom line is that communication is complicated, no matter who we’re talking to. So we should approach every interaction with an awareness of how easily meaning can be mistaken. Don’t jump to conclusions about what someone intended. Take a moment to pause and consider alternate interpretations—especially in the context of differing communication cultures. And perhaps give people the benefit of the doubt, at least to start.

 

Granted, that still leaves the question of how best to respond. That one’s tricky, because proficiency in any language takes time. But once we understand the different rules, norms, and expectations a little better, we can practice and start improving our conversational ability.

 

Out of curiosity, I asked my husband how he’d respond to that first officer’s comments about it being too windy for his colleague to do the landing. He didn’t even hesitate. “Simple,” he answered with a grin. “I’d just say, ‘No, it wasn’t windy enough. I let the Captain do the easy ones.’”